Let’s Talk About Forgiving

Can we talk about forgiving?

Why is it so hard to do?

Forgiveness is a misunderstood notion.

When I discuss forgiveness with my clients,

there is usually a load of resistance and a need to express to me

how I must not REALLY understand what happened or

I would be recommending they beat the crap out of the offender,

NOT forgive them!

Trust me, forgiveness is for “us”

not necessarily for “them”.

Commit to letting go

You aren’t going to do it in a second or maybe not even in a day.

It can take time to get over something.

So commit to changing,

because you recognize that the pain is hurting you. 

Think about the pros and cons

What problems does this pain cause you?

Does it cause you unhappiness?

Think of the benefits of forgiveness —

how it will make you happier,

free you from the past and the pain,

improve things with your relationships and life in general.

 

Realize you have a choice

You cannot control the actions of others, and shouldn’t try.

But you can control not only your actions, but also your thoughts.

You can stop reliving the hurt, and can choose to move on.

You have this power.

Empathize

Try this: put yourself in that person’s shoes.

Try to understand why the person did what he did.

Start from the assumption that the person isn’t a bad person,

but just did something wrong.

Understand your responsibility

Try to figure out how you could have been partially responsible

for what happened.

What could you have done to prevent it, and

how can you prevent it from happening next time?

This isn’t to say you’re taking all the blame,

or taking responsibility away from the other person,

but to realize that we are not victims but participants in life.

Focus on the present

Now that you’ve reflected on the past, realize that the past is over.

It isn’t happening anymore, except in your mind.

And that causes problems — unhappiness and stress.

Instead, bring your focus back to the present moment.

What joy can you find in what is happening right now?

Allow peace to enter your life

As you focus on the present, try focusing on your breathing.

Imagine each breath going out is the pain and the past,

being released from your body and mind.

And imagine each breath coming in is peace,

entering you and filling you up.

Release the pain and the past.

Let peace enter your life.

And go forward, thinking no longer of the past,

but of peace and the present.

Feel compassion

Finally, forgive the person and realize that in forgiveness,

you are allowing yourself to be happy and move on.
Being healthy is not always easy but always worth the effort.